Within the past couple days I’ve had a chance to witness several (unsuccessful) attempts to take me home or get my number. Not that I’m that stingy with my number. It just doesn’t go out to random strangers I’ve just met. That said, some of those attempts were totally legit, despite the fact that the attempters walked away with no new digits in their devices. Others, on the other hand, provided some wonderful material for a new post! Surprisingly, the amount of cuteness the attempters possessed did not directly correlate with the amount of suave. One hot face who had potential to work the room in any way he wanted managed to kill his cool in under 30 seconds! If you’re tired of girls throwing themselves at you and need advice on how to appear like a total idiot, read on!
1. To prepare for the ultimate kill, previously to talking to the girl turn a normally/potentially unobtrusive dance (like a Salsa) into a grinding fest.
2. Come up to the girl, look her up and down while biting half your lip, and tell her how fine/hot/sexy she is, embellishing it with ample cussing.
3. Say it as dramatically as you can. Use all of your theatrical experience learned to date!
4. After you notice a disgusted look on the girls face, keep talking! Mumble your words (either because you’re too drunk or because you’re too lazy to learn English) so she can’t understand half the things you’re saying.
5. Don’t leave her alone even after she’s physically tried to position herself away from you.
6. When the girl responds to your invitation/phone number request with a solid “No,” attempt to change her mind.
7. Tell her that you are a great guy. As if she can’t tell by now on her own.
8. If that fails, tell her that she will be sorry and might miss out.
9. If she says that she has a boyfriend, claim that she is lying. Clearly you are the only man on earth who finds her attractive.
10. If, in an attempt to get you away, her friend tells you that she’s married (gracias amigo ;), use the opportunity to prove to the world that you’re an ultimate creep: look into her eyes deeply, unnaturally and aggressively and dramatically tell her in front of everyone that they’re the most gorgeous eyes you’ve ever seen. Bite your lip, look her up and down once again and show the biggest look of sorrow on your face that you can manage.
11. Walk away not realizing that you’ve just made a complete fool of yourself.
12. Repeat as needed.
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