What She Says vs. What She Means: A guide to being "politely" turned down.

First, I would like to assure my readers that opinions and sarcastic things said in this or any other post I may write are by no means meant to offend! They are meant to entertain. Any similarity to this really going on in anyone's head (including mine) is pure coincidence! And social dancing is meant to be exactly that -- social. We should all be nice to each other, first and foremost, and I'm the biggest believer in that in real life! That said, I'll still proceed with my sarcastic tale...

Salseros... by the time it's been six months on the floor, we, follows, have turning you down, down to an art. (Wow, never thought I'd be using the word "down" twice in a row...). Of course, continuous rejection sometimes leaves you with some questions -- I'll answer those at the end. For now, let's see what we mean when we say 'no' in the many different ways:

1. No Thank You -- I don't even care enough about you to come up with a good excuse. Get away, and never ask me again.

2. No, but thanks for asking -- You seem like a good guy. But your dancing sucks. And unfortunately, I'm here to dance.

3. My feet hurt -- I feel bad turning you down for any number of reasons: I've danced with you before, you evoke a strong sense of pity, you're very old and respectable looking, I don't mind dancing with you at practice but tonight I just want to have fun, you're not good enough YET but you will be and then I don't want to miss out.... Here's the secret: feet start hurting the moment we walk off the floor. They never hurt ON it. Unless someone has severely injured us. And I mean like broke our ankle, the bone is showing, and there's blood all over the place kind of "severely".

4. I'm sorry, I'm talking to my friends -- I'm sorry, I'm talking to my friends, who've been strategically placed there to start a "serious" conversation the moment they see you approach. They've been warned that you won't go away and stalk me all around the floor until you finally find a the moment I'm not paying attention. Please stop asking!

5. I'm sorry, I'm with my girls -- I'm with my girls here waiting for someone good to ask me to dance. I've been trying to make eye contact with him the whole night, and you just messed it up by catching me off guard. Now he'll see me reject you and get scared. But I have to reject you because I don't want to dance with anyone but him and he needs to know that.

6. I'm leaving -- I'm leaving because it looks like there aren't any more good leads left on the floor, so there's no point of staying. Trust me, if someone I was dying to dance with asked me, I'd dance in flip-flops!

7. I don't dance bachata. Please ask me for a Salsa. -- I don't dance bachata with strangers because they might want to grind me like a piece of meat. I dance it with close friends who know to stay a little further away. But hey, it's like you got an automatic "yes" for next song! Come up and ask again, and I bet ya anything you won't get rejected.

8. I don't dance Salsa, please ask me for a Tango. -- I'm in a sarcastic mood and my friends will get a kick out of this.

9. Let's ask the magic eight ball -- Let's ask the magic eight ball and hope it says "don't bet on it." (Or, if I actually have a magic eight ball in my hands... I'm the biggest dork ever and am trying to make you laugh).

10. I need to use the restroom -- Luck had it that I was moving in the direction where the restrooms are located. Then you asked me, so now I have to actually walk in there. I'm hoping in the meantime you'll find someone else to dance with. And if you don't, I'll have to stay in there until the song is very close to its end, so that I won't have to dance an entire one with you.

11. I have to put a band-aid on. -- I have to take off my shoes really slowly, take my time putting the band-aid on, and hope that you get tired of waiting.

12. I have to put a band-aid on, I'll be right back! -- Wait for me so that I don't look like an idiot standing up and looking around once I'm done.

13. I need a break -- Unless I'm taking out my inhaler... I NEVER need a break! However, I do need a break from you.

14. I need a drink -- I need a drink and the opportunity to get lost in the crowd around the water the moment you take your watchful eyes off me.


Questions that seem to get asked over and over again after rejection and answers to them, once and for all.

1. Would you like to dance? (next song. and the next one. and the next one...)
Dude. If I've rejected you for more than three songs, especially in a row... I NEVER want to dance with you!

2. Why do you hate me?
Well, there could be a number of reasons... Just kidding. I wouldn't really call it hate, since you've technically done nothing bad except make me feel extremely uncomfortable dancing with you. And you keep making me feel more and more uncomfortable by asking this stupid, immature, question, thus killing any chances for pity that you had left.

3. Why not?
Um, do you really want to know why I don't wanna dance with you? Ok. Here's a list of potential reasons:
My intuition is telling me not to. You smell bad. You can't dance. You can't dance with me. You are too touchy. You are off beat. You are creeping me out. You stare at me in a weird way. You stare at me in the wrong place. You are too tall. You are too short. You (apparently) can't count till 8. You announced that in a week I will be your girlfriend (fat chance.) You announced that in a week I will be your wife (ask me again and in a week I'll be your first lawsuit for a restraining order.) You spin me too much. You don't believe me when I say I don't know how to do this move. You don't believe me when I say I've been dancing for under a year and bend me over backwards, hurting my back. You hurt my arms (and no, it's NOT my frame! I have the same frame with the rest of the floor and noone else has twisted them out like that.) You look like a retard when you dance and I don't wanna laugh in your face. You only care about yourself when you dance and I feel... left out. You try advanced moves on me that I can't POSSIBLY do yet, which makes me feel like a complete retard. You dipped me and I fell. You look completely disinterested in our dance. You aren't looking in my eyes. Those aren't my eyes.